Customers Are Not Always Right


There is a website that has many recordings of what customers say and do. These are then uploaded to the ‘interwebs’ for public dissemination and critical mockery. Check out the website here.

Backwards Driving, Loopy Logic
RETAIL | VANCOUVER ISLAND, BC, CANADA

(I work in a store with a donut-shaped, one-way parking lot.)
Customer: “Your parking lot is way too dangerous! I was trying to go for a spot and someone came the other way. There was no space to get around each other! What if we crashed?”
Me: “Which way did you go when you entered the lot? Straight or to the right?”
Customer: “I went straight, towards the doors! What does that matter?”
Me: “Well, everyone is supposed to go one way in the parking lot to avoid that kind of situation.”
Customer: “Then that idiot was going the wrong way! Someone should be out there monitoring the lot!”
Me: “Actually, ma’am, you’re supposed to turn right when you enter the parking lot. Everyone moves in a counter-clockwise direction.”
Customer: “And I’m supposed to just know that? The road should be marked!”
Me: “It is, ma’am.”
Customer: “It certainly is not!”
(I lead the customer to a window overlooking the lot and the customer sees enormous white arrows painted the entire way through, showing which way to go.)
Customer: “What, you expect me to be looking at the road when I drive!?”

The Bear-est Signs Of Intelligence
RETAIL | DALLAS, TX, USA

(The customer is buying one piece of jewelry. I’m all about the environment so I try to avoid giving out bags for small purchases.)
Me: “Would you like a bag, or do you want to put it in your purse?”
Customer: “My purse is fine.”
Me: “Yay! You just saved a polar bear!”
Customer: *eyes go wide* “Plastic bags… are made out of… polar bears?!”

Safe To Say It’s Nacho Brightest Moment
HOTEL | PENNSYLVANIA. USA

Me: “Good evening, guest services. This is ***, how my I assist you?”
Guest: “This is absolutely ridiculous! You need to get someone up here right now! This God d*** microwave in my room isn’t working! You had better fix this immediately!”
(Note: our hotel does not have microwaves in guest rooms unless the person is a VIP or if they request one in advance.)
Me: “I am so sorry, Mr. ***. I can certainly have someone come take a look at it right away. If I may ask, did housekeeping bring this microwave to your room?”
Guest: “No! It’s the microwave that is in the room! My nachos have been in this d*** thing for over 20 minutes and they’re not even hot yet!”
Me: “I see, sir. Can you tell me where it’s located in your room?”
Guest: “It’s the one that’s right under the television! I want my nachos and you better figure this out now!”
Me: “Sir, is this microwave an off-white color with a keypad on the right of it?”
Guest: “Yes!”
Me: “There’s not a little window like a normal microwave would have, is there? It’s just a little digital display screen, right?”
Guest: “That’s exactly it. It only displays how long I set the time for! I want my nachos 20 minutes ago. Can you get someone up here immediately?! This is absurd!”
Me: “Again, sir, I apologize that your nachos are not hot. However, I believe I’ve figured out what the problem is. The device you’re placing your nachos in is actually your safe.”
Guest: “Oh…oh my God. I’m so f***ing stupid!”
(He actually called back down later and apologized.)

Trucker In Need Of Break Fluid
RESTAURANT | PHILADELPHIA, PA, USA

(I’m working in a diner at the crack of dawn. A surly trucker sits down at the counter.)
Me: “Good morning, can I start you with something to drink?”
Customer: “Coffee. Now.”
Me: “I’m sorry, we’re all out of ‘coffee now’. All we have left is ‘coffee please’.”

Udderly Ridiculous
RESTAURANT | VA, USA

(A young woman is ordering her breakfast.)
Me: “Would you like eggs as well?”
Customer: “No thanks, I’m trying to become a vegetarian and eggs come from cows.”
(Please note she had already ordered bacon.)

Ex-Box
VIDEO GAME STORE | LAKE CHARLES, LA, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. Do Xbox 360s come with cup holders?”
Me: “Uh…”
Person in the background: “IT’S ON FIRE!”

You Couldn’t Make It Up
TELEMARKETING | ST. LOUIS, MO, USA

(My job is to call people and pitch the brand of make-up my company sells. I call and an obviously really young girl answers the phone.)
Little Girl: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi, may I talk to the lady of this residence?”
Little Girl: “That’s me.”
Me: “I mean, may I talk to your mom?”
Little Girl: “I have two dads.”
Me: “Oh well, never mind then. Have a nice day!”
Little Girl: “Wait! Why did you call?”
Me: “I’m selling make-up.”
Little Girl: “Oh! One of my daddies loves that stuff. It makes him look pretty when he goes dancing! Let me give him the phone! Dad! Dad! Some girl wants to make you look pretty!”

Cat-Nipped In The Bud
ANIMAL SHELTER | VA, USA

(I am talking to a first time cat owner about the cat she is interested in. Another woman walks in.)
Customer #1: “Now, do I have to clean them like I would a dog?”
Me: “No, generally cats will bathe themselves.”
Customer #2: “Actually, you will want to bathe them. We bath our cat once a week.”
Me: “Well, we normally recommend you don’t bathe a cat because most cats really hate water.”
Customer #2: “We bathe our cat all the time and it keeps her clean.”
Me: “I’m sure that works for you, but with a new cat you don’t know. I really suggest that this woman does not bathe the cat.”
Customer #2: “No! You should bathe the cat to keep it clean!”
(After several minutes of her insisting this, I eventually agree and she leaves. After checking that she is out of sight, I turn back to the first customer.)
Me: “Don’t bathe the cat.”
Customer #1: “I won’t.”

A Positive Ending
RETAIL | CULVER CITY, CA, USA

(A guest comes through my line with a four pack of AA batteries and an energy drink called Assault. He is trying not to giggle during the transaction.)
Me: “Here is your receipt, have a great day!”
Customer: “Guess what?”
Me: “What?”
Customer: “You just charged me for Assault and battery!” *grabs his bag and sprints out of the store*

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